›› HELPING FAMILIES AND FRIENDS HELP YOUR DILEMMA

As new and overwhelming as the diagnosis of infertility is to each of you, your family and friends can be overwhelmed by the feeling of "not knowing" how to support you. Infertility is such a personal experience, creating a greater need for sensitivity for all who are experiencing it, including the family and friends of those impacted by infertility. It may also initiate emotional reactions in them that are unexpected and the news of your infertility crisis may bring up painful emotional issues from their own past. We become more empowered if, when we are able to emotionally, we teach them how to be our best advocate and offer the support that is helpful versus painful and disappointing. The following is a list of ideas that may provide some guidance for you in talking with friends and family.

• Address the issue of other people's tendency to minimize what you are experiencing. Let them know that it is not helpful for them to tell you "not to worry" or "you can still adopt" or "you have each other" or "at least you don't have cancer."
• If there has been a miscarriage, educate your support network that well-meaning statements like "it wasn't meant to be" or "you'll get pregnant again soon" or "don't worry, I am sure it will work the next time" are unhelpful. Each cycle that a couple does not become pregnant during infertility results in feeling another loss. In fact, couples, where medical interventions have not resulted in pregnancy and having there own child, can experience each menstrual cycle resulting in no pregnancy as another miscarriage. Each month a couple going through infertility experiences a cycle of hope inherent in the preparation and steps taken to become pregnant. When pregnancy does not happen, they are again faced with experiencing grief and loss and anxiety and worry about whether it will happen the following month.
• Your support network needs to understand that the two of you are engrossed in the medical field with experts and that you have done your research and are where you are through educating yourselves to the best of anybody's ability. As such, you are not in need of them giving you medical advice or potential referrals unless you ask for it. Their offering this creates feelings of blame for couples as if they have not done their homework around something so important or that it is their fault they are not pregnant because they have not sought the right medical help.
• It is important to let your support system know that you do not want them to be your researchers for you. Generally couples find it unhelpful for others to advise them of some new piece of research they saw or heard about somewhere. Again, the information being offered is well-intentioned but is frequently experienced by couples going through infertility as unhelpful. This is because most couples have done so much of their own investigation and as a result have the expert along with their specialized infertility medical team. Finally, often the information provided does not apply to your particular infertility situation.
• Advise others about how difficult it may be for you to attend baby showers, christenings and other family/friend events that include pregnant women and babies. Let them know that you may be able to say no these events depending on what you are experiencing at the time. You can also develop alternative ways to handle these types of situations and provide this information to your support system. Couples going through infertility will not always be unable to attend events like these, but at different times they can be too painful to attend.
• Take the time to learn and know your emotional signals about when you discuss your infertility so you can verbalize to others whether it is a good time or not should they initiate a discussion with you. Provide any information that may be helpful for them to be sensitive to you.
• Explain to them that your infertility is a private matter and that it is not okay with you for them to share information about it without your permission, even if it is another family member or friend. For most couples, discussing their infertility experience with others needs to be done in a way that their privacy is protected and they can feel safe. Couples need to feel okay about saying no to talking about infertility when they feel too overwhelmed and emotionally out of control. Each person needs to glean their support from the people they feel the most comfortable with and this may be different for each of you. As such it is important that others do not assume that both of you will want to talk with them about what you are experiencing.
• Ask others not to tell you other people stories of infertility, successful or unsuccessful. This includes letting them know not to talk with you about other ways to build a family from adoption to surrogacy. It is emotionally painful for couples maneuvering through the infertility process to hear these stories when they are currently committed to their success in having a biological child. Couples experience these stories as a message that they should "move on" and accept their infertility and build their family via other avenues. This is a decision that only the couple can make with one another. If this time comes for the couple and if they should wish for information about alternative family building options from others, generally the couple will ask for it directly.
• Let others know that what you need is for them to hear your stories about your infertility and feel listened to and receive empathy versus well-meaning advice or platitudes. Each of you need others to use words such as "loss and sorrow" that are congruent with what you experience. Others need to not be scared to use words like this when you are sad.
• If others have the ability to offer up support during procedures via phone calls, tell them you would greatly appreciate this support. If they are able to attend appointments with you, let them know that you would appreciate having them do so when it would be helpful to you. However, you will need to let them know when this would be helpful as there will be times that you will only want to go by yourself or with each other. There may be times that you will not be up to talking on the phone but that you will let them know this is the case and that you will talk with them once you are in a place to do so.
• Encourage your family and friends to read books and articles regarding infertility that have been helpful to you in understanding what you are experiencing medically and emotionally. Provide the information for any on line resources that you have found helpful to you e.g. RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association.

This "HELPING FAMILIES AND FRIENDS HELP YOU" sheet is a synthesis of recommendations found in a variety of sources. These include:

American Society for Reproductive Medicine, www.asrm.org
RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, www.resolve.org
R. Diamond, D. Kezur, M. Meyers, C. Scharf, and M. Weinshel, Couple Therapy for Infertility
S. Covington, and L. Burns, Infertility Counseling: A Comprehensive Handbook for Clinicians

Prepared by: Diann Shannon, Psy.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist, LLC